There are moments when the way out seems like just an erroneous belief of reality. When all we got hanging on is that slim strand of faith and the flame of hope is hurriedly burning out. When fears grips, leaving us insecure at that sound of another challenge. When you reach a point where you want to blow the candle and forget the memory of light only to find that you cant even hold enough air in your lungs to breath. When giving up is only option left but you are too weak to throw in the towel.

A moment when you have done all is to be done. you have been everywhere one can go. You have done it all in the name of shinning in the flock. The emptiness you feel every time you are out trying to please the crowd. The loneliness you feel every time you sit to have a good time with your quorum. A time when you wanted out but the mafias of your own creation demanded for your blood in exchange. A time when you have ran your best away from ‘this life’ only to realize you were doing your marathon on a treadmill. A moment when you have gone down under and called it quits only to get up again to a glass of your own predicament. A moment when living is just but a wait for the last breath. A point where nothing makes sense at all. A point where you want to yield.

Then just one thing steps into your cell. A rush of energy fills your weak body. Tearing your stone cold heart, prompting a sudden copious outflow from your eyelid. Forcing a rise to your feet, a song to your lips and a dance to your feet. Lifting that heavy burden that once threatened to break your back. You simply cant hold it back, the world thinking you are filled with demons cursed of those pigs.

Yes, that is what happens when love takes over. That is what the cross was given for. That is what the song describes as a beautiful Exchange. A trade of sorrow, burdens and worries for the blissful realization that God is holy and He is all you ever needed to make you whole. A sudden comprehension that love breaks all chains and sets you free.

Its that happiness that comes with the commitment to love the same way setting this as your only desire and sole ambition. Only by our acceptance of this love, Only by grace are we set free.

PS: Inspired by the song Beautiful Exchange by hillsong United.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-bUZj1bkoE

Am trying to place the pin on where it all started out but I cant. All possible leads point to the lack of spiritual fulfillment in my soul. I have slowed down that’s a fact. And the more I want to get back on my feet the more I keep slipping further and further away from the mercy seat. I understand all it takes to keep the fire burning but I just cant get the engine started. Every time I put the key on the ignition something holds me back. I get lazy. I remember a movie I was to watch, I remember a task I was supposed to do, I get destructed by these thoughts; evil thoughts.

I know all these that am feeling is because I need to do something. I need to do something drastic. But where does someone begin. I know before I started out connecting with God back in 2008 it was easy. You know, when you dont have something to make you feel guilty because you have no connection at all. And I still wonder why life outside always looks better. Is Christianity a movement for the oppressed, the poor, the depressed? I dont know whether what am writting is making sense but maybe I need to let all of these from my heart. Maybe someone out there will read this and explain all that am going through in detail. Maybe after letting it all I will understand how God works.

I been trying to make sense of it all. I been trying to have hope in my heart. I been trying to slow down and understand life in its entity. I seem not to know myself anymore. I seem not to understand why desires are not being fulfilled. Am I walking in the right path or treading on some other person’s destiny? Am I these full of nothing? Am I just there? Is this feeling of emptiness going to be filled with something? I dont want to fall any further than this. I Dont want to be what my mind cant handle. I dont want to cry on the inside and smile on the outside. I dont want to spend my days worrying about all of these.

MAybe this emptiness will be filled with joy once more. Maybe now will be the end of my four days.

Take a typical conversation of someone you have met. It usually would culminate to the question ‘so what do you do?’. And so many of us would either talk much praise of the places we are working for/the business we are doing or the prestigious school we go to. The alternative answer to that is ‘am just working with some firm/I am just a hustler here and there/or I am just a student at some college in town.’ Depending on the answer the conversation would go own or end at this point.

Comes the second question if the above goes on. Take for instance I answered I work for Barclays. The next question would obviously be “which branch do you work for”. You answer Industrial Area the conversation katikaz (ends). You answer some upmarket branch say ABC place the conversation goes on.

Comes the third question, ‘where do you stay?’ You utter some town in Rift Valley or Athi River or some estate in Eastlands (yes pun intended) and you are dismissed. You give the name of some leafy suburb area which no public transport (or if its there, its only two old mathrees that have no insurance, chemkaz uphill with only three gears – 1,2 and reverse).

Having survived up to this level, come another question. “which club do go to?” Mention some cheap ass club that membership is anything lower than 50 grand a year (CID club in South C or some other public servant club) and you are out. Mention some club with membership of the who-is-who in the society and the conversation goes on. At this point, you’d talked about the cars you guys drive the joints you hang out at, the circle of friends, where you shop, and so on.

My point is, ever since I resigned from my jobo to go on my own, I been telling people that I do farming and they are like ‘kuwa serious (be serious)!!’ I don’t know whats wrong with being a farmer. People think by the name of the organization the person is doing well. The fact is a bigger percentage of these chaps ain’t got a dime!! The other day the PM told parliament why Safaricom manages to record high profits; They don’t pay their staff well. Yet we tend to think, the more foreign or the more big the corporation is, the better the lives of those working for those companies. Wrong. Chances are the local mama kiosk makes more than you make working your butt off some white collar job.

Its probably never going to go away. People will always think they are cool since they wear suit to work. They will discriminate you for not working where they are working. They will splash rain water at you in their 48-months-to-go-loan cars, they will stay in the reputable residential area paying rent with all their pay check. All these just to fit in the society created social strata. You will never see the end to the social classes, the ‘oh honey!’, the ‘where is that?’. You either choose to be happy about where you are and keep it up or try hard fitting where you are can’t. The sad thing is that the society dictates most of us.

Good luck with the keeping up.

It got me thinking. What was that? Why cry over spilled milk? Why suddenly realize that you aint got nothing?Why miss someone?Why crush at the thought of not having that somebody by your side?What is this thing called love?

There is a feeling.a certain level of stupidity,where wrong is so right.where your thoughts for the other are fortified;every other minute they are on your mind.when the most airtime is given to this only one.when the odds suddenly travel with you in th same direction.The taming you get when you find them.the boredom you see on your friends face cz of your repeated story of the other.

Its that possessiveness.that long suffering.that tolerance.that abstract justification you give for their weakness.the blindness that your heart sees with.that person you relate with the favorite love song.the sync you have with them.the ok you node when wronged.the comfort in their arms.the tear you shade cz they wronged you or they walked when you needed them. The compromise you take. The abandoning of ‘I’ and frequency of ‘WE’. The uncomfortable feeling in calling them by their official name. The pride in having them and not anybody else.

See, you cant understand the magnitude unless you have the rough diamond in your palm. Hurting your palm, very hard to cut and easy to loose. Never to trade it for anything you smoothen it, giving it that glittering, valuable finish. Only then can you stand and say; I KNOW WHAT LOVE IS ALL ABOUT.

Its a vicious cycle. A rat race. So ‘busy’ is our hustle that we forget the essentials. We forget to have contact with family, no one knows their neighbor anymore and very few stop to thank God for the much in their lives.

Am sure you have ever felt like you lugging behind. Thats y we see guys enrollin bak to university for that trendy MBA. Changing jobs. Moving on up fancy neighborhoods. Driving the muscle automobiles. Doing the whole swagga thingy. All of which is good, i think, but completely forgetting yourself.

Have you stopped to appreciate yourself? Do you know how much you have accomplished? So what if you dont have that car yet! At least you can afford to jav. So what if you still living in an overcrowded hood, at least u have a roof on top of ur head. U dont have to ‘have it all’ to get ur praise on.

Evaluate your life today. Write down the much you have achieved. Can you look back and say, Thank You Lord? I dont know about you but I have a reason to thank the Most High. Not that I made it but am makin it. I know 4sure that am rich. Rich cz I have good health, family, friend, food on my table, and even ability to thank God.

It could have been worse.

How true in theory for many of us? Many of us have a lazy attitude towards what we want in life. In fact the things we have in life cannot be attributed to a ‘push on’ moment. Its all by default, we graduated, got a well paying job and all we have is cz we can afford it, period!

Very few among us can give an account of something that they really pursued. If its too hard, takes too long to come by or emotionally draining very few of us will be patient enough to see it to the very end. And so we have so many unfinished dreams, unrealized potential and denied success crying out for real men!

Paul speaks of rejoicing in our sufferings in his letter to Romans. There things in life, I believe, that will make you pass thru these stages-suffering,to produce perseverance;perseverance, character;& character,hope. A lot of us leave it at suffering.

We are too careful to try. We never take risks because we fear failure right from the birth of our thoughts. No one is willing to endure the iron beating process,the potter’s shaping process,the end result which we dreamt of.

I like what it says, HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT! As long as you count yourself as one loved by God, you will never be ashamed of giving it ur best in anything you try out. Be it applying for that job for th 1001 time,stayin in business when th odds are against you or that unanswered prayer if you push on somehow the Lord will answer.One day it will rain.

And so despite the world telling you that you need a plan B,that the clock is ticking; dont abandon it. One day it will make sense. Before you have it God has to build your character to own it. Are you gonna be dubbed a drop-out of your own pursuit? After all,who hopes for what he already has? Be patient. Stop listening to people and keep praying for

I know one of you is already dismissing this vibe as that doesn’t affect me. No matter what level of maturity as one of my pals call it you are, we all have our weak points where we are quickly disabled whenever this challenges come along. I’ll speak for the majority, the real youth (not our politician definition of the same) 30 and below. We are faced with the need to think like the crowd, talk like the quorum and act like our age commands so. Being most of those in this age group are single, the pressure would be to noncommittal at all costs. You know, if its a decision to be made, do it for the day, moment or whatever suits the moment. If its a relationship, then dont commit to it until the day the traditional piano melody plays and every eye is on the aisle. If its work, you are free to put only one leg inside and the other where it may step. You get what am saying?

But I believe that deep down we always want to act as the acceptable commands. The acceptable being the script (Bible) for all those who believe that there is a God in heaven guiding your every move. See it scares me to know that Jesus will in the last day disown anyone who denies him now. It worries me to know that not walking right when I know I ought to will earn me an eternal suffering in the fire of hell. and so many other things we do that are not right. Question is, can we loose the need to impress?

Its hard living right with our every single step when we do not understand what we do. For what we want to do, we do not; but what we hate we do. We convince ourselves that its right whenever we do wrong. All because of the sin that lives in us. Is like what Paul describes that when I want to do good, evil is right there with me. I know all of us can relate to that.

Maybe you like me feel like this ‘I am wreck, a ship without a sail. Tossed all over whenever I try to walk alone. I have done stuff that I need not to do. I have removed my eyes on Jesus and slowly I have felt me sink’.

Thats why I believe that I need to confess. God, you know the best for me. Burn away every single speck of pride in me. Bring me down to my weakness, that I may realize that I am nothing on my own. Remove every earthly thing I try so hard to hold on to. And when I’m open wide with nothing left to cling to come and lead me on to the perfect rock. Where I know my foundation will never be shaken or moved. Cause honestly I am not that strong to stand on my own.

I’m not alright.